Why Wait for Sex?
It's just sex — the subject of nearly every movie and primetime
show, even magazine ads. What's so special about it? In a
sex-saturated culture, waiting till marriage seems outdated and
prudish. Pleasure is the name of the game. But that's not the whole
story.
In addition to the risk of contracting STDs and AIDS or getting
pregnant, premarital sex leads to emotional distress, distrust,
regret and emptiness. That's because sex connects two people in body
and spirit; it's impossible to separate the two.
If you're planning to give away your virginity, or are hurting
from past sexual experiences, read on for a different view of sex.
When Cindy met Rob, she knew that even though he attended church,
he didn't share her convictions about premarital sex. Rob thought it
was OK—and even good for dating couples to engage in—and Cindy
believed it was wrong from a Christian perspective.
As their friendship progressed, Cindy and Rob's opposing
viewpoints caused some hot debates. It also forced them both to take
a second look at their convictions. As a result, Cindy developed a
deeper understanding of truth, and Rob was forced to face the lies
he'd always believed.
If you're like Cindy or Rob, and you've taken a stand for (or
against) premarital sex, but you're not sure why, here are some
things to consider.
Scripture is Outdated, Right?
Like many singles, Rob thinks the Scriptures on sexual purity are
outdated and archaic. "Those parts of the Bible aren't relevant
to today," he told Cindy. "After all, when the Scriptures
were written, the people during that time got married when they were
teens; so they didn't have to struggle with sexual temptation like we
do now."
In response to Rob's argument, Cindy found Scriptures about sexual
purity and showed them to him. When Cindy read 1 Corinthians 6:9, 2
Corinthians 12:21, Galatians 5:19, Hebrews 13:4 and Deuteronomy
22:13-28, all which condemn sex before marriage, she asked Rob, "Are
these Scriptures relevant to today?" "Nope," Rob
responded.
"Do you have a pair of scissors?" Cindy asked.
"Why?
"Because I think we should cut those Scriptures out. After
all, if they're not true because people can't control their desires,
why not completely eliminate them? After all, we can just pick and
choose the parts of Scripture that we want to believe on sexual
purity, right? Give me your scissors," she said.
"You're crazy," Rob responded.
Crazy or not, Cindy had made her point—there are holes in Rob's
it's-not-true-because-people-can't-control-their-desires theology.
Why? Because, if his beliefs were based on truth, they would stand up
in every circumstance, but they don't.
For example, if sex before marriage is okay because people
supposedly can't control themselves, then it must be okay to engage
in pornography, too, right? After all, the temptation to watch and
participate in porn abounds like it didn't in Bible times.
Not surprisingly, when Cindy asked Rob if it was OK to engage in
pornography, his theology changed. "Pornography isn't okay
because it's damaging to the people who are doing it, and it's not
very Christian."
Why does Rob have a schizophrenic view of purity and of the
Bible's commandments?
Additionally, if scriptures in the Bible became untrue because
people can't control their desires, then we'd also have to cut out
the commandments on stealing, lying, cheating and having affairs.
Sure enough, there are holes in Rob's sex-before-marriage
theology, just like there would be holes in his Bible if Cindy cut it
up.
Doesn't Sex Produce Intimacy?
During their discussions about premarital sex, Rob insisted that
it was good to engage in sex with a dating partner because "it
brings you closer."
Cindy believes that this is true, and not true. On one hand, the
Bible says that sex causes "two people to become one."
Therefore, it's more than just a physical act, it's also a spiritual
encounter (Mark 10:6-9).
Additionally, Dr. Patricia Love, the author of The Truth About
Love, writes that a feeling of intimacy is created by a "chemical
cocktail" that is produced in the brain during sex and stays
with each person for up to 24 hours after intercourse. Perhaps this
physiological bonding is what Rob was referring to.
On the flip side, having sex is no guarantee that the deep
emotional intimacy that everyone longs for will develop.
Alice Fryling, in an article titled, Why Wait for Sex? writes:
"Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the
means to intimacy. True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional
communion. True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love
and freedom. True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter.
Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs. A
prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly
intimate."
Some experts even report that premarital sex short circuits the
emotional bonding process. Donald Joy, a writer for Christianity
Today, sited a study of 100,000 women that linked "early sexual
experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages,
unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and the prevalence of
low self-esteem."
So what does this mean? If Rob tries to convince Cindy, or any
woman, that sex will actually help their relationship, she might want
to think again before consenting. While premarital sex does produce a
short-lived chemical cocktail in the brain, there is no guarantee
that it will produce long-term emotional closeness or relational
satisfaction.
Can't Sex Help You Determine Compatibility?
Rob told Cindy he felt it was unreasonable to expect him to
abstain from sex before marriage because no one would buy a car
without test driving it; so he couldn't imagine committing to
marriage without taking a "sex test drive."
When Cindy suggested to Rob that his "test drive"
mentality could lead him to compare his wife's sexual performance
with his other partners, he denied it. "No, I wouldn't," he
adamantly said.
However, his logic is faulty. Here's why: If it was true that Rob
wouldn't struggle with comparison, why would he need to "test
drive" anything? After all, if he'd never had multiple partners,
he would automatically think his wife the best. For example, the man
who hasn't ever seen or driven more than one car doesn't know what
other cars are like; therefore he would be satisfied with his
automobile.
Partners can also feel threatened if they think their mate could
be comparing them with previous partners.
When Cindy randomly asked 10 women at work if they would be
worried that their husband was comparing them if he'd had intercourse
with multiple women before marriage, 80 percent of them said yes.
This provides a strong argument to abstain from sex before
marriage to protect the emotional safety that your spouse will need
to feel in marriage.
Hope and Restoration After Premarital Sex
Perhaps you're asking, "What if, like Rob, I'm guilty of
sexual sin?"
The first thing to remember is that no sexual sin is beyond God's
forgiveness. Thankfully, He doesn't withhold forgiveness or grace
from those who ask for it.
I John 1:9 promises that if you confess
your sins, that He is faithful to forgive and to cleanse you from all
unrighteousness. Note: This includes all sin, and does not exclude
sexual sin. Psalm 103: 12 also promises, "As far as the east is
from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions [sins] from
us."
In addition to forgiveness, God wants you to embrace His grace
that will help you move forward in life and embrace the promises He
has for you with joy. In spite of your choices, God wants to bring
you relational fulfillment.
Teenagers who feel incomplete, inadequate and unappreciated are
more likely to seek comfort in a sexual relationship. But those with
a life rich in relationships, family traditions, activities,
interests and — most of all — consistent love and affirmation are
less likely to embark on a desperate search for fulfillment that
could lead to unwise sexual decisions. Those who have a healthy,
productive faith in God are more likely to have deeply rooted reasons
to respect and preserve the gift of sex and to respect rather than
exploit others.
Be aware of these specific risk factors for teen sex:
Alcohol and drug use.
Aside from reflecting problem attitudes (rebellion, poor
self-concept, invulnerability) that make sex more likely,
intoxication also clouds judgment and weakens resistance to sexual
overtures.
A steady boyfriend or
girlfriend. Strong attachments and
feelings of exclusivity invite nature to take its course, especially
when physical expressions of affection begin early in the
relationship. This is a particular risk in a situation where the boy
is more than two or three years older than the girl is. If a teen
romance appears to be getting hot and heavy and a lot of physical
contact is already displayed, you will need to speak with both boy
and girl diplomatically but candidly about the physical process they
are setting in motion.
Little parental
monitoring. Leaving adolescents alone for hours at a time
or not requiring accountability is a setup for sex.
A parental belief that
adolescent sex is appropriate. If you think premarital sex
is okay, your adolescent will too and will act on that belief.
A parental belief that
adolescent sex is inevitable. Many parents
who disapprove of teen sex have also concluded that it is as certain
as death and taxes. Their approach to the subject will thus be
double-edged: "Don't do it, but in case you do, use this
condom." Adolescents will get the message loud and clear and
are likely to act accordingly.
Low grade-point
average/low attachment to school. While
school performance is affected by a variety of factors, a basic
desire to do well in school reflects a more hopeful outlook on the
future and a willingness to put off immediate gratification for
long-term goals. Teen sex, on the contrary, usually reflects
ignorance of or little regard for consequences.
This doesn't
mean, of course, that every scholar is a bulwark of morality or that
all who are not academically oriented are destined to be
promiscuous. What ultimately matters is a person's commitment to
basic values such as responsibility, respect for self and others and
concern about the effect of today's decisions on the future.
A history of physical or
sexual abuse. These acts against children and adolescents
violate their bodies, minds and hearts. Sexual abuse creates a
grossly distorted view of sexual behavior, destroys boundaries, and
drives a deep sense of worthlessness into the emotions. Whether the
abuse occurred in the distant or recent past, adolescents with this
history need ongoing support, counseling and prayer to help them
develop healthy attitudes about sex and about themselves.
Frequent family
relocations. Moving generally stresses both parents and
adolescents (especially if the kids resent the decision). This can
erode parental authority and distract parents from involvement with
their children. Bonds to social supports such as church groups that
help prevent sexual activity are severed by multiple moves.
Loneliness and loss of friendships may lead some teenagers to use
sexual activity to gain social acceptance. These issues should be
considered by parents who are thinking about a possible relocation.
- Only one parent in the household.
Parenting was meant to be a team effort, and some risks
will naturally increase when one parent is left to do all the
protecting and monitoring alone. Some studies do indicate that
adolescents living with a single parent are more likely to become
sexually active than those living with both parents. Work and
household demands can prevent single parents from being as involved
and attentive as they need and want to be. And the divorce and
desertion that sometimes lead to a one-parent home can make teens
uncertain about the value of marriage as the setting for sexual
activity and about the role of sexuality in parental relationships.
This increased risk does not mean that adolescent sex is
inevitable in single-parent families. But it does place an additional
responsibility on single parents to send their teenagers clear and
consistent messages about sexuality. And it is one more reason for
single parents to enlist as much support as they can.
Parents are big believers in waiting. Do you remember any of
these? "Wait for your little brother!" as you ran off with
your friends. "Wait a half hour before you get into the pool"
just as you finished your lunch. "Wait until your father gets
home!" as mom caught you pummeling your sibling for being such a
nuisance.
Of course, it's not really that they saw virtue in waiting itself.
It's just that waiting ensured something more important — loving
your little brother, or protecting you from danger, or impressing on
you the consequences of your actions.
There's one other kind of waiting that parents try to teach —
the patient waiting involved in delayed gratification. From staying
in school because of the better job we'd someday get, to working hard
at practice every day, so we'd be ready for the competition that was
weeks or months away, to saving the money we earned mowing lawns or
babysitting so we could pay for college or buy an engagement ring (I
can't tell you how many lawns are sitting on my wife's finger right
now!), we learn to patiently wait in order to maximize our
gratification in the future. It's a good lesson, as far as it goes.
But it doesn't work for everything. Some things are best when done
as soon as possible — like eating an ice cream cone on a hot day.
And other things can be delayed too long — like the vacation of a
lifetime that comes too late in life to be really enjoyed.
And then there's sex.
At first, the argument to wait makes sense on the grounds of
protecting yourself from something you're not emotionally or
physically ready for. Later, it makes sense on the grounds that it
will be better if it happens in the context of a committed, adult
relationship. But what about now? You're in your 20s or 30s; your
career is taking off, and your body and emotions are about as
developed as they're ever going to be. And though you're not married,
your relationships with the opposite sex are mature and adult-like in
every other respect. So why keep waiting? You're not a kid anymore.
And even if sex is marginally better inside of marriage than outside,
what if your prospects for marriage aren't that good? Isn't
sub-optimal sex now better than no sex at all, ever?
That's where we come to the limits of the "wait, because it's
better in marriage" argument. And it's one of the reasons why so
many of the single men and women I counsel in the local church find
themselves in tears on my couch, telling me that after years of
waiting, they just couldn't wait any longer.
The Biblical Command
When we turn to what the Bible has to say about sex outside of
marriage, it's not hard to sum up the message. Don't do it. From the
Ten Commandments in Exodus to the laws of Leviticus 18, to the
instructions of Paul in 1 Corinthians 6-7 to the public embarrassment
that attached to the Virgin Mary, the Bible is clear that God's
standard is that sex is to be reserved for marriage, and marriage
alone.
And unlike much that you'll find on the shelves of your local
Christian bookstore, the Bible doesn't spend much time trying to
justify that standard. You won't find a verse that says "Thou
shalt wait, because it's better in marriage." There is no
chapter in Scripture that touts the protection from physical disease
and emotional heartache that comes from monogamy, although both of
those things are true.
Instead, the Bible says things like, "You must obey my laws
and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God"
(Lev. 18:4). Or, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of
the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You
are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God
with your body" (1 Cor. 6:19-20). The Bible teaches that we
should reserve sexual intimacy for marriage for no other reason than
that, if we are Christians, we belong to God. Sex outside of marriage
is not only a sin against ourselves and our partner, but a fraudulent
misrepresentation of God and a cruel distortion of the intimacy he
created to be a picture of the eternal intimacy of the Trinity
itself.
A Union of Bodies, But So Much More
What is the point of sexual intimacy? Genesis 1 tells us that one
of the points is procreation. We're to be fruitful and multiply and
fill the earth with the image of God, and it's through sexual
intimacy that we do that.
But right away it's obvious that there's more going on than mere
reproduction. For one thing, though all living creatures are created
to reproduce after their kind, not all do so sexually. And among
those that do reproduce sexually, simple observation tells us that
humans are unique in their experience of sex. Mating in the animal
world is clearly attended with much urgency and instinctual drive,
but not much more. Why are we different?
Of course, as far as the world is concerned, only a nerdy
biologist, or a prudish Christian would bother to ask such a
question. To the world, the point of sex is pleasure, release,
orgasm. What other point would anyone need? Sex results in pleasure.
I want pleasure, so I have sex. I want more pleasure, I have more
sex. I suppose it's a given that men in our culture tend to buy into
this view — even married men; even Christian married men. What
seems to be new in the last generation is the increasing extent to
which women are viewing sex this way as well.
Ironically, though the first view is historically associated with
Christianity, and the second view is associated with the world, both
miss the main point of sexual intimacy, because both reduce sex to an
instrument, a means to another end. And whenever something is reduced
to a tool, a utilitarian process, it ceases to be an object of beauty
in and of itself, and is only as good as what it gets you.
Why is our experience of sex so different than the rest of
creation? Why did God pronounce it very good? Simply put, because the
point of sexual intimacy is neither the children nor the pleasure it
produces, but the union of persons that it represents and is itself a
part of.
A Unions that Displays ... A Marriage
Sexual intimacy is all about union. Physically, of course, that's
obvious. But there's so much more. In sexual intimacy, we also know a
union that is emotional, as our hearts are knit together even as our
bodies are. We know a union that is intellectual, as we come to
understand and know one another in intimate detail. We know a union
that is even spiritual, for as every married couple figures out, the
best sex isn't when I make sure I get what I want, but when I forget
about myself, and give myself for the blessing and delight of my
spouse. And at that moment, we are very close to the heart of Christ,
"who loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Eph
5:25).
But there's more. This union of sexual intimacy, complete in
itself, is also a sign and symbol of an even more profound union of
lives in the covenant marriage, when a man leaves his father and
mother, and is united to his wife, and the two become one flesh.
Being "one flesh" with someone can refer in a secondary way
to sex, but primarily it's just a Hebrew way of saying one family,
flesh and blood. The union of marriage is not an alliance of
families, with each partner representing a previous set of priorities
and loyalties. No, and this was and remains quite radical, marriage
is a union that dissolves the old bonds, the old loyalties, the old
priorities, and creates one new family, with all that entails — one
new set of priorities, one new set of fundamental loyalties.
Do you see the picture so far? The beauty of sex is that it is a
profound union that stands as a sign and symbol of an even more
profound union of lives in the covenant of marriage. This of course
is why sex outside of marriage is ultimately unsatisfying and
destructive. Without the union of marriage, the union of bodies is a
parody and mockery of itself. Bereft of it's proper point and
context, sexual intimacy outside of marriage does not bring us into
the lover's embrace, but merely exposes us to the stranger's stare,
and reduces us to the means of someone else's pleasure.
But there's even more to this union that makes sexual intimacy as
God designed it so beautiful. I mentioned that many men tend to view
sex as a means to the end of their pleasure. If that is the typical
failure of men, then I think many women tend to view intimacy,
broadly considered, as an end in itself. But women, that view is just
as much idolatry as the man's worship of pleasure. There is no
created thing, including the intimacy of marriage, that exists for
its own sake.
The amazing thing that Paul reveals in Ephesians 5 is that the
union between a husband and wife is ultimately beautiful because it
too stands as a sign, a picture of something else. And that is the
union between Christ and the church.
A Union that Displays ... the Gospel
The ultimate point of marriage isn't your emotional satisfaction,
but to make visible the gospel reality of Christ's love for the
church and the church's love for Christ. The absolutely amazing truth
of the gospel is that we who were separated and alienated from God
have been united by faith to the Son he loves in the New Covenant of
his grace. The marriage covenant illustrates the New Covenant; the
marriage union points to that even more profound union between Christ
and the church.
What does this have to do with the beauty of sexual intimacy and
the single who is still waiting to experience it? You can think of
this like
matryoshka, or nested Russian dolls, in which each
doll's shape is determined by the shape of the next doll hidden
inside. The intimacy of sexual union, as desirable as that is, is
also picture of the marriage union, which in turn is a picture of our
union with Christ.
As profoundly intimate the experience of sexual union is, at it's
best, it is just a hint, a small taste of the joy and satisfaction
and perfect intimacy we will know with Jesus, when we are united to
Him as his Bride. That union won't be sexual, but there is no other
union God's given us that speaks more truly of the intimate love
we'll know in Christ. To rip one of these unions out of it's
connection with the others is to destroy not only it's goodness and
meaning, but to distort the pattern that it was designed to display.
A Union that Displays ... God
There is one more connection to draw, one more union to think
about. For as profound as our union with Christ is, that union is not
the ultimate and final union in the universe. Have you ever wondered
why we are united to Christ? It's kind of an odd image, when you
think about it. Jesus himself gives us the answer. In John 14-17,
Jesus repeatedly told his disciples to abide in him, to remain in
him, for in that union they had life. And then, in his high priestly
prayer in John 17, he says the most remarkable thing:
"Father, just as you are in me and I am in you, may
they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent
me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be
one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to
complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved
them even as you have loved me."
There is more there than we can possibly unpack, but at least this
much is clear. The union we have with Christ in the gospel, and the
transformation that union effects, is meant to be a visible sign, a
proof, of the prior eternal union of Christ and the Father in the
Trinity. So that when the world looked at those united to Christ,
they could not help but see that Christ himself is one with the
Father.
What is the point of our union with Christ? It is the glory of
God. As Jesus concludes his prayer, "I have made you known to
them ... that the love you have for me may be in them and that I
myself may be in them." In our union with Christ we are
mysteriously made signs and symbols of the Son's union with the
Father. What's more, through that union we participate in and are
taken up into the eternal love of the Father for the Son and the Son
for the Father.
Here we have finally come to the mystery of union, the core that
defines every other union in the universe, including the union of
sex. That's right, you read that correctly. Sex is a foretaste, a
hint of what it will mean for us to participate in the eternal union
of love that exists at the very heart of the Trinity. The beauty of
intimacy is that it is a taste of the glory of God.
Isn't God good that he would make something so enjoyable at the
same time so noble? Isn't he good that he would make something so
full of pleasure so good and pure. Isn't he gracious that he would
make us in such a way that delighting in our spouse leads us to find
our ultimate delight in him?
What does this mean for you if you're single? It means that the
problem with sex outside of marriage isn't finally that you're
breaking an arbitrary rule, or that it is emotionally destructive, or
that it is more likely to expose you to an STD.
No, the problem is that sex outside of marriage is a fraud and a
fake. It pretends to be true intimacy, but is nothing more than
exposure. It uses the language of love and commitment, but knows
nothing of either. And by suggesting that true pleasure and intimacy
can be had without loving, covenantal commitment, it perpetrates a
massive assault against the very character and glory of God, whose
eternal, intimate, loving relationship within the Trinity is the
blueprint and pattern for every intimate pleasure that you or I will
ever know.
What if you gave up waiting? Some things can't be undone in this
life. But for those who repent of their sin and trust in the grace of
God held out through cross of Jesus Christ, all things may be
forgiven.
If you're still waiting (or waiting again) for marriage to have
sex, keep waiting. Because it's not about waiting. It's about
displaying the glory of God and his gospel in your life.
The first time I read the Song of Songs in the Bible I thought,
No. Way. I immediately grabbed a friend's Bible to see if his
featured the same book. "Dude, have you read this?! This is
unbelievable!"
"What? What is it?"
"Clusters, man! They're talking about climbing palm trees and
taking hold of clusters! IN THE BIBLE! It's right here!" I was a
teen Christian with active hormones and my grandmother's prayers were
finally being answered because I suddenly developed an intense hunger
for the Word. Hallelujah!
Over time, of course, I realized that the relationship described
in Solomon's Song, including those face-blushing palm tree and
cluster verses, occurred within a specific context. In the midst of
beautiful, poetic language about the stages of a relationship that
start with a glance and eventually lead to the honeymoon, the author
charges us three times, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it
pleases," or, as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson in The Message,
"Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe —
and you're ready."
I often point to this book when people, usually young singles, ask
me about relationships and pre-marital sex. They want to know, where,
exactly, does the Bible talk about pre- or extra-marital sex, when
neither partner is married. They know about the adultery
prohibitions, and they agree — you shouldn't have sex with someone
who is someone else's spouse. But where does it talk about not having
sex if there is no spouse involved? You have two consenting adults,
and neither has made any vow to any other person, so it's not
technically adultery. What's wrong with that? Does the Bible
speak to those situations?
I like to start with Solomon's Song, because it celebrates the
whole package of the relationship — initial attraction, exciting
emotions, longing, and sexual intimacy — and it connects all of
this to the proper context or timing, when "it pleases," a
timing that is marked by public approval of the relationship,
highlighted by a wedding (chapter 3).
The whole relationship,
including the celebration of the sexual aspects, takes place within
the context of community approval — no, more than approval —
rejoicing.
I ask these young, unmarried singles, does the community — your
friends, family, church — celebrate your private, sexual liaisons?
When it appears that a pregnancy might result, is there rejoicing?
No, of course not. Why not? The timing is wrong. The context is
wrong. A private affair is being forced out into the public and is
clouded by shame. You've "aroused love before its time."
There will be pain, disappointment and sadness. Compare that to the
tone of Solomon's Song. The couples' sexual life in the Song of
Solomon takes place within the context of a lifelong commitment of
marriage, and the community rejoices. It will produce grandbabies,
nieces, nephews, more members of the little platoon of the family.
The couples' sex life is ultimately a social benefit. That, I say to
my young single friends, is a picture of sex in the proper context.
Keep in mind, I say, that in biblical times there just wasn't a
whole lot of sex taking place
before marriage, since people
married at such young ages, and there just wasn't much time between
reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage. Most of the sex
taking place was
after marriage, either with your spouse,
which was good, or not with your spouse, which was prohibited, and
that's why there's more talk about adultery than pre-marital sex. We
wrestle with this issue more now because the time span between
reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage has bumped up a
decade or two since biblical times.
I also add that we probably wouldn't even be having this
conversation were it not for birth control, especially the "pill,"
and if abortions were not so easy to obtain. Without birth control
and abortion, sex would mean a greater likelihood of raising babies,
and raising babies would mean commitment, and commitment would mean
marriage. That's life in biblical times, so the question itself
didn't get much discussion in a world where sex and babies went
together much more than they do in our time.
Then I mention Hebrews 13:4, where the author distinguishes two
types of sex that are prohibited. The first, moichos, refers to a
married person having sex with someone other than his or her spouse
and is generally translated
adultery. The second, porneia,
in this case refers to any other unmarried sex, usually translated
fornication or sexual immorality.
Anything else? They say.
How about Ephesians 5:1-3, where we are instructed to have not
even a
hint of sexual immorality (
porneia), or any
kind of impurity in or lives. Do you think pre-marital sex might be
at least a hint of sexual immorality? I ask.
Maybe, they say. What else do you have?
Well, I say, there is 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, which, among other
things, tells us to flee sexual immorality (
porneia) because
the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we are to honor God
with our body.
What else? They say.
Well, I say, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 says to avoid sexual immorality
(
porneia) and learn to control your own body in a way that
is holy and honorable to the Lord, not in passionate lust, like the
heathen, who do not know God.
Sure, but what else? They say.
What you really want, I say, is a Scripture that goes something
like,
if Jack and Jill are not married to anyone nor to each
other, and not engaged to anyone nor to each other, and have sex with
each other, that's wrong, and that they should either stop having sex
or get married.
Um, they say, that's in the Bible?
Well, that's my paraphrase, I say. Then I point them to Exodus
22:16-17, a very interesting "case law" scripture in the
Old Testament. By "case law," I mean one of those "If
... then ..." commands that provides some underlying principles
applicable beyond the example used. For instance, when Scripture says
in Exodus 23:4, "if you come across your enemy's ox or donkey
wandering off, then take it back to him," the application
extends beyond oxen and donkeys, to dogs, children, bicycles, credit
cards, etc.
Exodus 22:16-17 gives instruction on what to do if an unmarried,
unengaged man has consensual sex with an unmarried, unengaged woman:
"If a man seduces (implies consent) a virgin (or a woman of
marriageable age) who is not pledged to be married, and sleeps with
her,
he must pay the bride-price (or marriage present) and she
shall be his wife." Most scholars believe the same
prohibition is found in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, "If a man happens
to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and he seizes her
and lies with her, and they are discovered ...
he must marry the
girl...." Most scholars believe that "rape" is
not being addressed here, but consensual pre- marital sex (albeit the
man's strong initiation), especially given the phrase "and they
are discovered."
These might be the clearest disapproval of sex for singles in
Scripture. The message couldn't be more obvious: Whether you're
engaged or not, don't have sex outside of marriage. Period. If you're
unmarried and having sex, legitimize it and get married to the person
with whom you are having sex — get the piece of paper and go
public.
It's your choice, I say.
Public or
private. Song of
Solomon or
hiding in the shadows. God's way or
your
way.
These singles often come to me hoping to find a loophole, and a
few leave frustrated and disappointed. Some, though, leave with
strengthened resolve, and for the first time have a vision of love
and sex in the right context — a vision of poetry and celebration.
I pray for the disappointed ones, for them to embrace God's vision
for their sex lives. I rejoice over the ones with new vision, because
I know they will soon discover what really good sex is all about.
Half way through the PBS special on Japanese gardens, my roommate
decided she needed a bonsai.
I silently recalled the catastrophic ends that had befallen her
African violet, her salamander, and the stray cat we found outside
the dorm.
Nevertheless, we spent the next afternoon perusing shelves of
tiny, well-groomed trees at the street fair. OK, they aren't actually
trees – as the elderly Japanese vendor explained. They're common
types of vegetation kept small through constant, extensive pruning.
Delighted by my friend's interest in his merchandise, the vendor
shared his secrets for bonsai maintenance.
Repot plant often. Wire branch to shape bonsai.
Then pinch off new growth.
And that was just the start. An hour later, he'd convinced me that
bonsais aren't your basic houseplant. They're an artform.
Alas, my roommate was no artist. As exams and activities vied for
her time, the tree deteriorated into a scraggly brown shrub. Guilt
finally drove her back to the street vendor. Was there anything she
could do to restore it to its original glory? As the man examined the
sickly plant, he made no effort to mask his disgust. His bitter
rebuke tumbled out like a broken haiku:
THAT Is not bonsai Anymore.
You can understand his frustration. After all, he'd sold my friend
a handsome, perfect plant. He'd provided explicit instructions for
care. But she'd neglected it. She'd let it become something it was
never intended to be.
Sexuality is a lot like the bonsai. God's instructions are clear –
enjoy it in marriage. But sexual purity is just one element of a much
larger directive: Strive to live a holy life.
I think the concept of holiness confuses us, though. It evokes
images of Mother Teresa or some long-dead saint. We envision an
unattainable level of perfection. Some of us grew up believing that
holiness just meant remaining abstinent until marriage. By simply
avoiding intercourse (even if we did everything else we could think
of), we'd circumvent the flames of hell.
But these common notions lack a key element: love. God didn't
impart rules about sex to control or manipulate us. They were borne
out of his passion for us. He knew we would crave intimate connection
with others. That's why he created the gift of sex. He presented it
fresh and vibrant and beautiful.
He desperately wants us to us to keep it that way.
We can waste time resenting God's rules, or we can get out our
clippers. Because maintaining a holy life requires a good deal of
pruning.
Starting in the 17th century, Japan bonsai keepers began to
redefine their art by minimizing. They set out to remove everything
but what was essential to the health and beauty of the plant. We
cultivate holiness in a similar fashion. The Bible urges us to make
ourselves pure from everything that pollutes our bodies or spirits
(II Corinthians 7:1). Here are some suggestions for doing that:
Be modest. What's
your first thought when you see a young woman strutting down the
street in high heels, short skirt and tight crop top? Like it or
not, our appearance sends off vibes to people about who we are and
what we believe. If you're attempting to live a holy life, make sure
your appearance isn't suggesting otherwise and inviting trouble.
Maintain a pure brain.
Living a holy life is more than refraining from sex outside of
marriage. Single and married people do well to avoid sex-charged
music, TV, movies and magazines – anything that objectifies people
rather than affording human beings the respect and dignity they
deserve.
Date like-minded people.
Sure, he's cute and funny and smart – but does he share your goal
of holiness? Being on the same page with a boy or girlfriend about
sexual purity doesn't guarantee you'll always do the right thing.
But with similar standards, you can work as a team to make wise
choices.
Keep a clear head.
Drugs, alcohol, or any other mind-altering substance will only break
down your resistance in an already-compromising situation. We
exponentially increase our chances of doing something we'll regret
when we're not clean and sober. Be awake and alert so that your
decisions will be your own.
Tell yourself the truth.
You know your weaknesses, the things that tempt you most, the
conditions that put you at greatest risk for making a bad decision.
Whether or not it seems silly to someone else, do whatever it takes
to avoid putting yourself in those situations.
- Stay in touch with God. When our conscience
jabs at us for doing something we know isn't best, the last thing we
want to read, hear or talk about is God. We have to remember that
he's not the enemy. He's the bonsai master. He's the one that gave
us the gift of sex, and he knows the best way to use it.
One Look?
Could have been a look, could have been a come-hither smile, could
have been desperation, but before I knew it, he and his friend were
spending the night in the dorm room with my roommate and me.
Nothing happened. That night.
I'd been living the frat party lifestyle for nearly a year.
Growing up in a strict, but genuinely Christian home, I knew better,
but chose worse. In hindsight, the days run together from my freshman
year through the first semester of my second year of college. My
roommate's drinking often rewarded her with men. Mine usually
rewarded me with nausea and loud, obnoxious, regretful behavior.
But the night I met Andrew was magical. He was a football player,
and it seemed my girlish, romantic dreams were coming true.
The relationship moved at breakneck speed. In the first week, we
exceeded the physical boundaries I'd set while dating my last
boyfriend. In six weeks, I'd given away almost every physical
experience possible between a guy and girl. It was fun and
pleasurable, but I'd expected to wait and enjoy these feelings with
my husband.
Fireworks?
Andrew seemed to love every cell of my body, and for the first
time in my life, I passed mirrors and smiled. Sexy was a new feeling
for me. Cute, yes. Pretty, even, at times. But sexy, rarely…if
ever.
Maybe that was why I gave so much of myself to him. Or maybe it
was because I felt he deserved what I gave.
We spent most of our time with four other couples. We were the
only pair not sleeping together, albeit only technically. On Saturday
nights, everyone would head off to bed together — except Andrew and
me. I could sense his frustration. In passionate moments, he'd
whisper, "Come on, baby. I love you." I found that hard to
believe since we'd been dating only a few weeks; but in those
moments, it was hard to hold back and remember that I meant to give
my virginity only to my future husband. The condom that often lay
beside the bed added its own degree of pressure.
Sex Education
It wasn't until college that I met girls who'd actually had sex.
Until I was 16, I didn't even know that there was anything between
kissing and sex. Keeping my virginity until marriage was the only
option. It was what my parents taught, my preacher preached and my
childhood friends believed. My freshman year, however, I was
introduced to new terms by girls who were apparently experts in the
field. Graphic descriptions of sexual acts and anatomical parts found
their way into conversations. I thought it was good to be educated.
Andrew was educated in a very different way. He was not a virgin,
and though he started the relationship claiming that he didn't want
to "take" my virginity, as the weeks progressed, his claims
changed. Soon he began telling me, "If you want to give it to
me, I would love you for it."
As November approached, I decided on Andrew's Christmas present. I
would give him my precious gift of virginity. Little did I know a
friend was praying for me. God was about to throw a kink into my
plan.
A Different Plan for Me
Darla came into my room Monday morning as I frantically searched
for my chemistry homework.
"Wanna go to worship tonight?" she asked hopefully.
I'd gone my entire freshman year. Even as I began to drink and
party, I still tried to keep pieces of my old life, serving and
loving Jesus. Now the pain of living a lie was too intense. Andrew
didn't know or love God, and our relationship was certainly not
pleasing God. I was tired of playing games. I had traded worship for
physical pleasure.
"Umm…not sure. I may have plans," I lied. Andrew had a
football gathering with his buddies, and I had almost no homework.
"If you change your mind, let me know," Darla said.
With a quick "Sure," I dashed out the door.
Something made me change my mind. My roommate, who'd been living a
similar lifestyle, felt compelled to go that night, too.
As the service drew to a close, my roommate leaned over, and with
conviction in her voice said, "Something's got to change."
I knew she was right, but the weight of giving up the life I'd
come to enjoy was a heavy load. She hung around after the service to
talk to the pastor. Tears of repentance and regret ran down her face.
I sat 10 yards away, stoically considering my options. Part of me
felt full. I thought I loved Andrew. I thought he was wonderful. Yet
there was a deep part of me that was empty and aching.
The pastor walked over to me after talking to my roommate. "Are
you doing ok?" he asked. Such a simple question. Such a loaded
answer.
"I'm fine," I tried to lie.
He stood there.
"Ok, I'm not," I confessed. "There's something
missing. I feel like my life is worthless. I have everything to live
for. I should be happy."
"Did you give away God for all this happiness?" he
asked.
And that was the issue. I'd traded the complete contentment and
fulfillment I'd had in my relationship with God for the temporary
pleasure of a relationship with Andrew.
And God was immeasurably better to me — and for me — than
Andrew had been.
I knew at that moment that the hollowness in my soul was an aching
need for God.
That night, instead of feeling guilty and dirty before a holy God,
I felt whole and forgiven. All along He had been waiting for me to
find happiness in Him, rather than wasting my days drunk and
unfulfilled. At the same time I realized I was forgiven, I felt the
extreme need for my life to change — dramatically.
Trading My Guy for My God
The next morning I skipped class. As I broke up with Andrew, I
quoted a verse from the New Testament. It wasn't a pious way of
telling him off; it was the most truthful way to explain why I could
no longer be with him. Matthew 6:24 says, "No one can serve two
masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will
be devoted to the one and despise the other." The words go on to
talk about choosing between serving God and money, but for me the
principle applied to trying to serve both God and Andrew. Aside from
the issue of whom I was really serving, I knew Andrew would not be
willing to back away from our physical relationship — and if I were
honest with myself, I didn't think that I would be able to either.
My life drastically changed. I distanced myself from alcohol, my
party-lifestyle friends and especially Andrew, and tried desperately
to build an intimate relationship with God. I spent hours reading the
Bible, praying and listening to uplifting music. It wasn't an effort
to become a better person; it was an insatiable hunger inside me to
change. I felt fulfilled, free, loved … but I still felt so guilty.
I'd awakened desires inside myself that were only to be awakened
in the context of marriage, where sex satisfies and even enhances a
relationship. I'd had some of that connection with Andrew, and now
that he was gone, I faced temptations and longings that seemed more
than I could handle.
So, I took some practical measures to keep myself from running
back to Andrew for satisfaction — or turning elsewhere. Mainstream
music went out the door. I began to realize that much of what was on
the radio and my CDs was causing me to dwell on my past life. The
music either promoted pleasure or created feelings of depression. I
discovered that listening to music with lyrics about loving God
caused a different chain reaction, leaving me feeling worthy, loved
and celebratory. Other times, I faced simply missing Andrew — his
laugh, his arms, conversation and connection. At those times, I'd
pray for him, asking God to offer him the same fulfillment that I was
now experiencing through my life in Christ.
A new solemnity replaced my partying, crazy lifestyle of pleasure.
From the outside, it might have appeared boring. On the inside, I
glowed.
A Harsh Realization
Conversations with Andrew were rare, but on one occasion, he
called me. Several months had passed since our breakup, but he just
wanted to talk. During the conversation, he revealed that he didn't
consider me a virgin. Though I'd given a lot away, I was still
clinging to this qualification. Though minor, it gave me the feeling
that I'd still kept the one thing that I meant to give to my husband.
We hung up that night, and I sobbed heavy, painful tears. I asked
God to forgive me, and knew that He already had. However, in my
turmoil, God chose to fill me with a peace and love I had never
experienced. I felt whole and clean. Suddenly the term "virgin"
meant so much less to me than being forgiven by God. The
technicalities disappeared in the light of God's love and mercy.
"Virginity"
To this day, in deep conversation, it comes out that I've had a
very physical past. I don't claim physical virginity. However, I
honestly don't see that as the biggest issue anymore. I'm clean in
God's eyes. He has offered me a life that beats any physical
relationship I could have. I'm not living for the moment anymore. I'm
focused on the future, a future that includes God … and maybe a
husband.
I'm a different person. I know desire: true desire that comes in
knowing and feeling God. And nothing — no relationship, no sexual
act, no person — can match that.
Sex is a basic human need. Every person has the desire to enjoy a
physical relationship with someone they care about. And in the
context of marriage, those moments of intimacy can bring pure joy and
pleasure to your life.
But when it's used in the wrong way, sex can cause guilt, anxiety,
depression, disease and low self-esteem.
How do you make the right decision about when — and with whom —
you should have sex?
Make a commitment.
If you've made a wise decision about what's best for your life, you
won't be as likely to give in to your desires. Make a promise to
yourself that you won't engage in sexual activity until you're
married. The best way to make sure you stick to your word is to
share your promise with a pastor or parent. A tangible reminder,
such as a ring or necklace, may also help you to remember your
commitment. Plus, jewelry can be a great way to bring the topic up
with your boyfriend or girlfriend: it's best if the person you're
dating knows exactly where you stand so he or she can support you in
your decision. (And if he/she doesn't, that's a good indication you
haven't found "right one.")
Keep your brain in
control. Even though your body may send other messages,
remember having sex even one time can negatively affect your life
forever. The only 100% “safe sex” is no sex at all. Though some
forms of birth control may protect you from sexually transmitted
diseases, HIV infection and pregnancy, they're not without failure.
And there's no such thing as a condom for your heart. The best way
to enjoy a sexual relationship is inside marriage, where you know
the person you're intimate with is healthy and where a pregnancy
would mean a baby born with two loving parents.
Keep yourself out of
irresistible situations. Be prepared to say “no,” but
stay out of settings that might require it. If you're involved in a
close relationship, avoid situations where sex will be a temptation.
Even if your companion is just a friend, if it's someone of the
opposite sex, protect yourself from doing something you'll regret.
Spend time together in public, and in groups. Keep other friends
around to hold you accountable. That way you'll know that even if
you have a moment of weakness, you won't have sex.
Have a plan. Even
the most careful couples find themselves in compromising
circumstances. When things start to get hot and heavy, know where
and how to put on the brakes. Plan what you will say and do to keep
your commitment to purity. Say something like, “I really do care
about you, but I don't want to have sex until I'm married.” Be as
clear and as firm as possible. Then leave the situation quickly.
- It's never too late to start over. Even if
you've had sex before, you can still set new, better boundaries to
get your sex life on the right track. Let your significant other
know that you care too much about yourself and him or her to let sex
undermine the future of your relationship. Focus on other ways of
getting to know each other, such as common interests or new pastimes
you can share. Your relationship will be deeper and more meaningful
because you'll know each other's hearts. There will be plenty of
time after the wedding to get to know one another's bodies.
By Katula for more information visit
www.fastmagicspells.co.za/love-spells.html
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Fast Magic Spells
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