How to Deal With the
Desire to Cheat on Your Partner
However happy you may be with your
current partner, you are "married" - not dead. There are
lots of very attractive people out there, and you may experience a
temptation to cheat on your partner at some point. This common
feeling doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, though, as
there are several ways to deal with feelings of attraction to someone
outside your relationship and any desire to act on those feelings.
Identify why you are tempted to
cheat. Common reasons include boredom with your sex life,
frustration with some aspect of your relationship, or simply the idea
that grass is greener on the other side. Relationships are like
flowers - you have to water and care for them, or they wilt and die.
Perhaps your relationship has just gone a bit stale or flat with age
and it's time to add a little spice. Identifying the reasons you may
be tempted by another is an important step in dealing with those
feelings.
Talk with your partner about the
issue. For example, if you are bored with your sex life, discuss
what new activity you could try together. Or, if you simply enjoy the
flattery offered by the other person (if that person is attracted to
you as well), let your partner know that. Sometimes, life gets in the
way and we don't let our partners know how much we love and
appreciate them - if your partner is caught in a tedious cycle of
hassled, busy life to the point where s/he has no time to let you
feel that you are loved, it's time that changed. Your relationship
should be brought back to front and center, and both of you will need
to make the effort to nurture it back to health so that you feel
relaxed, comfortable, loved and desired at home.
- You and your partner may decide that you can have an open relationship. In this case, you will need to have a serious discussion about the "rules" of this relationship. These relationships are difficult to sustain as one partner generally feels that the other is "having their cake and eating it, too." However, if you feel this type of non-exclusive relationship could work for you, it may be worth having the discussion with your present partner.
Think about the worst things that
could happen. If you give in to the temptation you feel, what
will you lose? Do you own a home together? Do you have children? How
would you feel if you lost all of this? Your life would change
drastically, practically overnight. You might not have the access to
your children that you once had. You would not be able to live in
your home any longer (Let's face it: the cheater often has to leave.
It's not right to cheat in the first place, so if you do it, your
partner is the wronged party.). Without thinking of the person you
are considering an affair with, think about how you would feel if
your partner were killed, or if s/he left you, and you were the one
who had to go on alone. How does it feel, thinking about losing the
person you have shared much of your life with these past years?
- Is the temptation worth the risk of losing everything you have held dear?
- If you have children, think about the example you're setting
for them.
Make a list of your partner's best
qualities. Focus on what you have loved about him or her. For
example, you might like her witty jokes or his "random acts of
kindness". You can also list their most physically attractive
qualities as well. Thinking about these good traits will help remind
you why you're attracted to this person.
Think about positive things in the
relationship. Your partner may encourage you to enjoy new hobbies
and take part in them with you, or be an excellent listener. You may
have a long history together, with memories that tie you to one
another; you and her family may enjoy a close relationship which
would end if you broke up.
Spend good quality time with your
partner. Don't sit and watch TV or play a video game which s/he
watches. Converse. Have experiences. Go visit friends together. See a
movie and then go out to dinner or coffee and discuss it - you know,
like you did when you first got together.
Avoid any potentially compromising
situations. Because you know you are attracted to this person,
make sure that you don't put yourself in situations where things
could get out of control. Don't carpool to meetings, don't stay and
work late with him, don't exchange phone numbers or make him your
Facebook friend. Don't have any interactions with him where you are
alone with him - ever. It's very likely that your present partner is
aware of your attraction to this person - s/he will be watching. If
you want your present relationship to survive, you will need to make
sure that your partner's trust in you is not misplaced. Don't put
yourself in a bad spot just for a chance to be alone with someone
pretty.
Remember who you are. Are you a
cheater? Are you a sneak? A liar? A jerk? If the answer is no, then
don't act like one. Are you a good person? A kind person? A caring
person? Be the person you think you are in your heart - and remember,
you are not just who you think you are. You are what you do. If you
think you're a noble, good person, remember that a person like that
does not lie and cheat just to feel good or special, or to get with
someone. If you think you're a good guy, but you do bad things, then
you're a bad guy. So remember who you are. If you are a good person,
do what a good person in this situation would do: either stiffen your
backbone and resist that temptation, or if you feel that this
attraction has served to point out why your relationship is not
working any longer, then take steps to fix or end that relationship
before acting on the temptation presented by the new person.
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